My Breakthrough

                      I can't remember how long I've been praying for my breakthrough, my breakthrough from my past hurts and pains, from the thoughts of suicide, from being depressed and always afraid, from the hatred and anger I felt inside, from the feelings of worthlesness and etc. I guess when Big Nate preached on my greatest pain and I shared my greatest pain with being molested by my uncle. I guess I can say from that point I desired to be free.


                   From that day God started to take me through a process of healing, it started out with him (God) connecting me with two people that in terms would connect me with others that would help me along this healing process. It hasn't been an easy one. I guess you can say I'm not one that likes dealing with the things that hurts me the most nor do I like feeling emotions. Needless to say this journey has been one with my emotions have been on what I would say an emotional roller-coaster. One minute up, the next down and then nothing. I started this journey truthfully wanting a quick fix. I mean I did what God told me to do and that was share my greatest pain, and I had been open to going to see a victims counselor, and I had seen a spirtual counselor even got more intuned with church.

                     But I wasn't getting my breakthrough. I seen everyone else getting there's and I was still going through. I had gotten hooked up with a ministry that I could serve God, but still wasn't getting my breakthrough.. I didn't understand why.. As the time went along my emotions man it was like I couldn't control them anymore... Bishop would be preachin and I would be balling... I would have to hurry up and run out of the sanctuary because I didn't want anyone to see me crying... But best believe my armor bearer crew was waiting... They would just sit with me while I cry and tell me to let it go let it out... Then when I was done they showed love and told me to keep pushing.. One girl inparticular that I got close to well am close to had told me God had to tear some things down in order to rebuild at that point I really didn't understand. Everyone told me to keep comming to keep pushing and that's what I did.. Some Sunday's I would go to church and be like why am I here... But I kept going and in my going I got hooked up with different people. Armor Bears, stepped out in Fresh and taught a class, Prayer Warriors, Working with D.O.D. (Daughters of Destiny), Working with the girls from Job Core.. In the mist of my mess, in the mist of my struggle God was and is still using me...

               Okay, now Big Nate was and is doing a series about How to let go, and man that was so for me, for so long I've been holding on to the things that have happened to me as a child. I have never really known how to let it go, and in the 3 times we've been in class there's not a time where at some point in the lesson I wasn't crying.. Crying because he's teaching a lesson to the whole class but in truth and reality he's preaching directly to me and he don't even know it. The first Wed. Big Nate told us that on 12/9/09 we were going to have a breakthrough service and from the first day of our lesson you can say that I have been looking forward to 12/9/09 for my breakthrough...I prayed and thanked God daily for my breakthrough... Everyday after Sunday I text one of my homegirls with how many days left I had til I got it... I know people thought I was crazy, but I had to have my breakthrough.. Minster Spencer was all on me that night... He used the character Precious from the movie precious, he talked about all the things that she had to go through all at the age of 16 for me it was a younger age. He talked about how people (her) mom talked down on her.. He talked about how she had to be isolated from some people and how God placed her around others that encouraged her. Man I can s ay that is me... God isolated me from people back home and then he placed postive people around me that could and do speak life in me.. Encourage me, pray for me... He even talked about how some people are going through stuff because there father wasn't around it was because my dad couldn't handle me!

                  Things really began to make sense, he talked about how sometimes we have to distance ourselves from our family members... Man I couldn't believe it!! God had sent me the conformation that I needed.... One of my homegirls that I had talked to about my current situation and even she said that was my conformation.... Anyhow we had an alter call I went, and I felt relieved I felt different like a weight was lifted like all the chains that were on me started to break off... Service was let out and as usual I needed to be by myself.. I went to my normal spot but it was people in there so I left and remember a room that nobody really went into.. Had my lil spill and God I felt like I couldn't breath heading out side and seen one of my leaders who was walkin Minster Spencer out and he introduced us and I just broke down... I can honestly say I have never felt God that heavy on me at all.. That night I got my break through... When I went home I knew it cause I wasn't afraid to walk in my house.. I didn't have to look under my bed or in my closet... or anywhere else... On 12/9/09 God answered my prayers and gave me my breakthrough!!!

Who

A motherless child, naw dats not me.. I kno she care, but she don't take the time to listen
she don't take the time to listen and then talk
nor the time to offer an encouraging word
She don't take the time to see what I'm going through
Damn.... do she not care? She say she do
but I just don't know right now...
I'm going through so much right now
and she's not here
She's not here to listen, to understand
nor have she  ever been there to listen, to understand, to listen
I want her support.. I want her to ask me whats going on in my life
She gets up set because she say we don't listen to her
well have she ever took the time to realize that
in order for me to care about what she's talking about what she is saying
that she must also care about what i'm saying what I'm feeling...
Have she never heard me tell her and others in order to get respect you have to give it?
What am I to do?
When the one I should be able to run and talk to
I can't
What am I to do
when my battle ship has been hit, and water is pouring in on every side
in evey direction
What am I to do when I'm sinking and can't swim
Who's there?
 Who's there to throw a life jacket to me and save me
Who's there to reach a hand out for me to grab on to??
Who do I have?

She has my nose wide open

  I always heard my very first boyfriend mom tell him. " She has your nose wide open", and I never knew what she ment by that. As I've gotten older and gotten in various relationships I have come to know and understand what she ment. When someone opens your nose wide open then it simply means that they are exposing you to things that you have never been exposed to. Your simply trying to inhale it all in.
   I guess you can say that about me. These past few months my nose have been wide open to a lot of things. In which many are good matter of fact great and yet a few not so great. I'mma hit on both the great and the ungreat. Relationship wise boy, It's been an on going thing. Yes truthfully she has opened my nose up to a lot of things, and I truly enjoy being around her; but in all honesty I know that she's not what I need right now. She don't understand what I mean when I say I am trying to get my life together. She showed that factor when I first told her. Well she wouldn't talk to me for almost two months. Then the other day she was on my mind so heavy so I sent her a text and told her she didn't have to respond just was checking on her well she responded. It turned out that I had been on her mind also. Well the next day it was can we chill... Dang here we go back to the same old things. But this time it's different because I am in a different role in life than I was before.
  See this time I'm in the fore front if you would say. I'm out telling my story, I'm out trying to encourage young girls to keep there head up and I'm wanting to be a mentor to others that have been or are going through the things that I have experienced in life and am currently experiencing. I'm not put out in a position in church to were I'm serving, and in doing all of these things I'm trying to do better and live better! Trust it won't be a overnight thing I know for a fact, but I'm trying my best not to do something that could damage the positive in my life. God knows it's hard...
  Okay, now there's also a "he" in my life. The one that knows how to make me smile, that knows how to give me a good time... But will "he" know and respect my boundaries?  Will "he" know and respect the change that I am desiring in my life? Is that too much to ask of any one person?
  All these things plus a few more have my nose wide open, but is it the best thing? Yes and No

Do They Do You????

They don't understand when I say I am hurting. They don't understand when I say I'm in pain. They don't truly understand the magnatitude of what I am truly trying to say to them. They don't see it in my eyes. They don't hear it in my voice... Are they truly listening when I talk to them. Do they really understand or do they even care? Do they realize that I'm at a breaking point? Do they realize I can't continue to go on like this. God do you hear me when I say I'm tired, when I say I'm hurting? Do you understand or hear me when I plead for a breakthrough? Do you truly hear me when I am crying out to you? Do you hear me God???? Do you even care anymore? Do you hear me when I tell you I need you! I need you now more than I ever have before? Do you hear me when I ask you to come and rescue me? Do you hear me when I ask you to rescue me from myself, from my enemies.... God do you hear me? Do you care about me? Do you still love me?

Knocking at Death's Door

I went to death's door. I knocked and knocked, but no one answered. I turned around even more discouraged and mad than before. I returned to deaths door a week later. This time there was no knocking there was kicking, punching and screaming! Screaming let me in open this door. But yet no one came to this door. I returned a month later. This time I just stood there. To weak to knock, to tired to kick, to exhausted to scream. All I could do was cry. Cry cause I want someone to open this door. To end my pain, my heartache, and my troubled mind. But I'm continusly ignored. I see them looking out of the window to see who it is, but they won't open the door. I began to cry, to beg please please please open this door allow me to come in. I know your in there I can see you. Why do you continue to ignore me? Still no answer and no opening of the door. So what am I to do now? I'm consumed with hurt, fear, anger, and hatred. For myself more than others. I want this pain to end. I want this fear, anger and hatred to disappear. But they won't open the door. I see them looking out the window, but they won't open the door. Why won't they open the door? Don't they see my pain, don't they see my hurt? Do they not see all the tears I've cried all the tears that I am crying??? Why won't they open the door?? Why?

I wonder

I sit here and wonder, just how long my soul will continue to be in bondage? I sit here wondering, just how long God will allow the devil to steal from me? To rob me of my joy, my peace, and even my frame of mind.
I wonder what is it different that I can do?
to get these things back that I so desire.
I sit here and wonder why me?
As I look back over my past,
I look back over all the pain and heartache that I caused to others and that others caused to me,
and I just wonder.. What was it all for?
Many people say that nothing we go through in life is a mistake.
Well if that's true. I wonder what is the purpose for all the things that I've been through, and am currently going through now in my life.
I guess only time will tell, but until then
I will continue to wonder.

A Change

You knew very little about me, but yet you thought you knew everything.
I tried time after time to tell you just how I felt
but you never took the time to listen
You cared not about the burdens that were on my heart
You cared not about the tears that I cried
But yet now were to this point
and you tell me to give you another chance
that your a changed person..
I've heard that time and time again
you say your gonna do better
it last for a day or so then
it's back to our same old routine
when I told you I was tired and ready for a change
You thought I was playing games,
but this time I wasn't. I really was ready for a change
Now it's time for that change and it doesn't involve you.
I hate to walk away from you now,
 but you walked away from me a long time ago..

A

Catching up on some post..

There has been alot of things going on from family wise, job wise, and just me as an individual. I began to feel consumed with defeat and just burdended. I have always held a lot of things on my back. I did not have to do it, but it was just me. I have always looked at what other people needed before I looked at what I needed. I went without so that others around me could be content, could be satisfyed.

 I gave myself when I did not want  to be given. Made many of sacrifce for many of people. But at the end who will do the same for me? Who will go without just so that I can have? Who will put my neededs before theirs? It is funny how when you go through certin things you do not understand them, but as you change the way you think, the way you respond you start to see things in a new light. You get a new perspective on different situations.. I guess I am to that point. Where I have been going through the same things time after time and getting the same results, but continusly stuck in that rut of the way I am use to doing things. Afraid of change, afraid of  what might happen.
 I realize that as long as I continue to fear I am giving the enemy exactly what he wants. I am giving him power over me.. And I refuse to continue to do that. I refuse to continusly be afraid to live my life over what might happen. I mean I have been held prisioner for years behind things that have happened in my past. Things that have happened to people around me. I start to think well what if it happens to me?? What if this or that happens... Man it has been killing me. I mean I am so tired of being afraid to step out there and do something new, or to do some of the simple things because I am afraid of what might happen... The thing I pray is that whatever happens that God keep me and cover me and my family.. To take that fear away from me and allow me to be able to live to breath. and to experience life.

A Blessing From God!

This past week God truly answered a prayer of mine. I've been praying and praying for a vehicle. I've looked on craiglist and found potential vehicles, but no one willing to accept payment arrangements. I finally decided to test God at His Word. I've always heard my mom tell me " Sharlette His Word says "You have not cause you ask not", and also " Claim those things that are not as if they were" and I started doing that..

I was with my older cousin one day visiting her husband at the hospital and we were talking about me getting a vehicle and he told me now was the time to buy and that I could get a new vehicle for the payments that I was wanting. I was listening to him, but I wasn't listening to him. I was thinking man I can't afford a new car. That it was the medication talking instead of him.Anyhow one day he told my cousin his wife to take me to look. I had just tossed the whole thing out of my head because I knew that I had tried and tried and couldn't find anyone who was willing to finance me because of me paying all the bills, etc...

Well one day while I was with my cousin she was like Sharlette I'm going to take you out to look for a car went several different places and they all told me I had no credit.. I kept getting discouraged until one day we went to this car dealer and he told me he could work with me. Things were starting to look up... I didn't hear anything from him. Then when I did he told me that I needed a co-signer.. Man who can I get to co-sign for me?? I talked to a relative of mine and he was all for it. Then another issue arrived.. It just seemed to be one thing after another... I would calller the dealer everyday except on Sat. and Sun. he would always tell me I'm working on it... Just sit tight... I was siting as tight as I possibly could..

I started to give up on the thought, but then decided to challenge God. To tell Him what his word said. I started to feel a little better about the situation. I finally just gave it to God and Boy did he make a way out of no way.

I told God that I wanted my car that week and I wanted to drive it home... On July 3rd I went to the car dealer and walked out a car owner.. then I couldn't drive it home because we couldn't get in touch with the insurance company I began talking to God again.. I went to my cousins house and made a phone call, got insurance on my car and went back up to the dealers and drove off in my car. No one can tell me that it was not God that made all of this possible. I required a down payment and they are giving me time to come up with it all. It was no one but GOD!!!
 I now know that PRAYER DOES CHANGE THINGS!!! I pray that I continually grow in God and in my relationship with Him...He has truly shown me that He can make a way out of no way. and move things to work in your favor....

  

The Young and Church

You ask what keeps people away from the church. I say it's a simple answer. It's called church folks. They so caught up in a religion that they forgot about the relationship. It's the hypocrites. Now don't get me wrong we all sin . but yet it's a huge difference between being a sinner and a down right hypocrite.
A hypocrite acts like they are the most holy of holy's they know no sin, which we all know is a lie.A sinner will admit hey I'm not perfect. What keeps a young person from church to many judges also.. You say that only God should and can judge well I guess there's more than one god out there...
People are too stuck in the same circle not really allowing people to truly open up and show who they really are. In order for a person to get and stay in church they need associates friends that's in the church. A person is going to be most influenced by the crowd they hand with and If they don't really know anybody in the church were do you thing they are going to be? On the streets with there friends.
Also, too much talk and not enough walk. Do what you say your gonna do mean what you say. You say that you will meet me where I am. It there a stipulations to that or what? If I am a dope boy or girl can you meet me on that level? If I'm a crack addict or a pill popper can you meet me there? If I am a prostitute can you meet me there? If I am suicidal can you meet me there.. Can you?? Don't be afraid of me, don't brush me off cause I do not wear the same clothes as you or the same shoes as you. Embrace me instead of running from me..
Your embracement, your kind word might be the thing that saves me. It might be the thing that will keep me from committing suicide might be the thing that brings me and keep me in the church. Some people come to church Sunday after Sunday searching for that someone who will reach out. That someone who won't be a hypocrite but will be true to there word. Are you that person that will help me get closer to God or that person that will push me too get further away from Him.

Something I need to tell you

There's something that my heart is desiring to tell you

it's ready to release this burden that's weighing on my mind

and on my heart.

But can you handle what I need to tell you?

will you walk away and never speak to me again

I know that it will greatly disappoint you,

Will you judge me if I tell you

Not knowing the answer to these questions

is killing me on the inside

I need to tell you

But I can't...

Will this be something that I will take to the grave with me?

will it be better that way rather than to cause you anymore pain

any more embarrassment....

What am I to do? How can I release this without

telling you...

Is there even a way to do that???

My Struggling Relationship with God

Every since I was a child I have struggled in relationships. Mainly my relationship with God. I have endured so much pain growing up as a child that it's hard to believe that a man that's supposed to love me so much would allow me or anyone else to go through some of the thins I have went through. Even though I have struggled with my relationship with God I still desire to know Him (God) for who He truly is. I remember always praying that I wanted to know Him (God) for myself, not from what someone else told me, but from my own relationship with Him..
Since I've moved I joined a church and it's a cool church and all, but I'm still struggling to go. I haven't really connected with anyone there because I'm quiet. This past Sunday was my first time going in a while and the preacher talked about "God's Shaking" and I cried during the whole sermon. Why because I know that message was for me I have been dealing with so much stuff from the past and truthfully it has consumed me. I am not the person I want to truly be because of the things that has held me bondage for so long. I'm to the point in my life were I am tired of struggling with my realtionship with God, it's like I either want one or I don't which in reality. I would perfer one... I know I am going to have my struggles in life and don't expect it to always be easy... But I'm ready for that new relationship. Ready for the struggle in our relationship to be over

The real from the fake. This week I was forced to look at the real me verses the me that I show other people. In reality these people in some ways are so different yet so alike.

I mean one of the things that we were asked was why is it so

I've always been leary about the people that I trust. The people that I call a friend and definatley the people that I confide in. I've always felt like I knew when I could trust a person or when a person was in to do me.. But here lately. I feel as if my senses have gotten off track alot. It's like different situations in my life to where I am being put in a position to wonder if I can really trust this person like I want to or do I just stay my distance...

It's just like on different jobs. You have people all up in your business and they don't care about you they just want the scoope so they can run back and tell others....In many ways this hurts but in alot more ways it makes me not want to allow people to get close to me because I'm afraid of what they might do or say when they get upset. I know that there is a few good people out there who

Forgive me

I'm not me

the things I say out of anger

is not the way I truly feel

Don't you see

the pain I'm feeling

I'm just trying to deal with it

Don't be afraid

when you see the scars on my arms

Don't be afraid

when

No Forgetting

It's funny how as we grow in life we try to forget about all of the hurtful things of the past. You build a wall up around all of the painful things that you wish you could just forget and act like they never happened to you, but you can't; you can't because everyday of your life your living in fear. Fear that it might happen again, that someone might find out and start to judge you and Lord forbid feel sympathy for you.

I guess I've known for awhile that I wasn't past my past. That it still had huge shackles on me that paralyzed me, but I have never wanted to truly deal with my past. I mean I tried counseling for about two three months but even then I really wasn't ready to open up and talk about things..I wasn't ready to deal with the skeletons that I held in my closet.But here I am again. Lashing out in anger on the ones who just want to help me..The ones that love me.. My skeletons are pushing there ways out of my closet against my will.

My friends are asking me every other day asking me what is going on with me??? They have noticed a change and the change hasn't been for the better... What am I to tell them?? The truth??? As much as I would love to open up to them I can't.. But what am I to do? I can't open up and tell them the truth the things that I am running from that continusly taking control of my life.. I can't tell them the ways or the things I do to cope with the pain that I'm feeling on the inside.. I mean what can I tell them?

They see me smiling and assume that my life is perfect..They don't see the truth the imperfect life that I am dealing with on a daily basis. They see the smile but they don't see the fear in my eyes the tears that I cry nightly or the anger and hatred that I have burried so deep in my heart. They don't see the real me they see the things that they want to see, but hey the did notice a change but look how long it took them to notice even that...

The life that I'm living is not what I want for myself.. I want to be happy I want to be free. Free from my past, but it has such a strong grip on me I just don't know how to get free from the things that holds me back. I cry unto the Lord, but He's no where to be found..

I'm sinking and I'm sinking quickly....I look up hoping to see a hand reaching down for me, but there's not a one.. People tell me to go to church and I go to church but it's like I'm just another person in the crowd..So I continusly search searching for that peace that freedom, that joy searching for love that I don't have to doubt if it's true or not...Where am I supposed to go to find my peace to find the love that I've been looking for the majority of my life???

It's funny how as we grow in life we try to forget about all of the hurtful things of the past. You build a wall up around all of the painful things that you wish you could just forget and act like they never happened to you, but you can't; you can't because everyday of your life your living in fear.

Fear that it might happen again, that someone might find out and start to judge you and Lord forbid feel sympathy for you. I guess I've known for awhile that I wasn't past my past. That it still had huge shackles on me that paralyzed me, but I have never wanted to truly deal with. I mean I tried counseling for about two three months but even then I really wasn't ready to open up and talk about things..I wasn't ready to deal with the skeletons that I held in my closet.

But here I am again. Lashing out in anger on the ones who just want to help me..The ones that love me.. My skeletons are pushing there ways out of my closet against my will.

My bosses are calling me in the office every other day asking me what is going on with me??? They have noticed a change and the change hasn't been for the better... What am I to tell them?? The truth??? As much as I would love to open up to them I can't.. It puts them in a bad position and me in an even worsier position...But what am I to do? The life that I'm living is not what I want for myself.. I want to be happy I want to be free. Free from my past, but it has such a strong grip on me I just don't know how to get free from the things that holds me back. I cry unto the Lord, but He's no where to be found..

I'm sinking and I'm sinking quickly....I look up hoping to see a hand reaching down for me, but there's not a one.. I go to church but it's like I'm just another person in the crowd...Where am I supposed to go to find my peace to find the love that I've been looking for the majority of my life

Reflection

As I look in the mirror I don't reconize the person staring back at me. Tears in my eyes cause the man that's supposed to love me. Showed me his love by giving me yet another black eye and a busted lip. They say love hurts; but why must it hurt this bad? As he walks up behind me my body tenses up. Not knowing what to expect another beating or a warm apoligy from the heart?