It's funny how as we grow in life we try to forget about all of the hurtful things of the past. You build a wall up around all of the painful things that you wish you could just forget and act like they never happened to you, but you can't; you can't because everyday of your life your living in fear.

Fear that it might happen again, that someone might find out and start to judge you and Lord forbid feel sympathy for you. I guess I've known for awhile that I wasn't past my past. That it still had huge shackles on me that paralyzed me, but I have never wanted to truly deal with. I mean I tried counseling for about two three months but even then I really wasn't ready to open up and talk about things..I wasn't ready to deal with the skeletons that I held in my closet.

But here I am again. Lashing out in anger on the ones who just want to help me..The ones that love me.. My skeletons are pushing there ways out of my closet against my will.

My bosses are calling me in the office every other day asking me what is going on with me??? They have noticed a change and the change hasn't been for the better... What am I to tell them?? The truth??? As much as I would love to open up to them I can't.. It puts them in a bad position and me in an even worsier position...But what am I to do? The life that I'm living is not what I want for myself.. I want to be happy I want to be free. Free from my past, but it has such a strong grip on me I just don't know how to get free from the things that holds me back. I cry unto the Lord, but He's no where to be found..

I'm sinking and I'm sinking quickly....I look up hoping to see a hand reaching down for me, but there's not a one.. I go to church but it's like I'm just another person in the crowd...Where am I supposed to go to find my peace to find the love that I've been looking for the majority of my life