No Forgetting

It's funny how as we grow in life we try to forget about all of the hurtful things of the past. You build a wall up around all of the painful things that you wish you could just forget and act like they never happened to you, but you can't; you can't because everyday of your life your living in fear. Fear that it might happen again, that someone might find out and start to judge you and Lord forbid feel sympathy for you.

I guess I've known for awhile that I wasn't past my past. That it still had huge shackles on me that paralyzed me, but I have never wanted to truly deal with my past. I mean I tried counseling for about two three months but even then I really wasn't ready to open up and talk about things..I wasn't ready to deal with the skeletons that I held in my closet.But here I am again. Lashing out in anger on the ones who just want to help me..The ones that love me.. My skeletons are pushing there ways out of my closet against my will.

My friends are asking me every other day asking me what is going on with me??? They have noticed a change and the change hasn't been for the better... What am I to tell them?? The truth??? As much as I would love to open up to them I can't.. But what am I to do? I can't open up and tell them the truth the things that I am running from that continusly taking control of my life.. I can't tell them the ways or the things I do to cope with the pain that I'm feeling on the inside.. I mean what can I tell them?

They see me smiling and assume that my life is perfect..They don't see the truth the imperfect life that I am dealing with on a daily basis. They see the smile but they don't see the fear in my eyes the tears that I cry nightly or the anger and hatred that I have burried so deep in my heart. They don't see the real me they see the things that they want to see, but hey the did notice a change but look how long it took them to notice even that...

The life that I'm living is not what I want for myself.. I want to be happy I want to be free. Free from my past, but it has such a strong grip on me I just don't know how to get free from the things that holds me back. I cry unto the Lord, but He's no where to be found..

I'm sinking and I'm sinking quickly....I look up hoping to see a hand reaching down for me, but there's not a one.. People tell me to go to church and I go to church but it's like I'm just another person in the crowd..So I continusly search searching for that peace that freedom, that joy searching for love that I don't have to doubt if it's true or not...Where am I supposed to go to find my peace to find the love that I've been looking for the majority of my life???