The real from the fake. This week I was forced to look at the real me verses the me that I show other people. In reality these people in some ways are so different yet so alike.

I mean one of the things that we were asked was why is it so

I've always been leary about the people that I trust. The people that I call a friend and definatley the people that I confide in. I've always felt like I knew when I could trust a person or when a person was in to do me.. But here lately. I feel as if my senses have gotten off track alot. It's like different situations in my life to where I am being put in a position to wonder if I can really trust this person like I want to or do I just stay my distance...

It's just like on different jobs. You have people all up in your business and they don't care about you they just want the scoope so they can run back and tell others....In many ways this hurts but in alot more ways it makes me not want to allow people to get close to me because I'm afraid of what they might do or say when they get upset. I know that there is a few good people out there who

Forgive me

I'm not me

the things I say out of anger

is not the way I truly feel

Don't you see

the pain I'm feeling

I'm just trying to deal with it

Don't be afraid

when you see the scars on my arms

Don't be afraid

when

No Forgetting

It's funny how as we grow in life we try to forget about all of the hurtful things of the past. You build a wall up around all of the painful things that you wish you could just forget and act like they never happened to you, but you can't; you can't because everyday of your life your living in fear. Fear that it might happen again, that someone might find out and start to judge you and Lord forbid feel sympathy for you.

I guess I've known for awhile that I wasn't past my past. That it still had huge shackles on me that paralyzed me, but I have never wanted to truly deal with my past. I mean I tried counseling for about two three months but even then I really wasn't ready to open up and talk about things..I wasn't ready to deal with the skeletons that I held in my closet.But here I am again. Lashing out in anger on the ones who just want to help me..The ones that love me.. My skeletons are pushing there ways out of my closet against my will.

My friends are asking me every other day asking me what is going on with me??? They have noticed a change and the change hasn't been for the better... What am I to tell them?? The truth??? As much as I would love to open up to them I can't.. But what am I to do? I can't open up and tell them the truth the things that I am running from that continusly taking control of my life.. I can't tell them the ways or the things I do to cope with the pain that I'm feeling on the inside.. I mean what can I tell them?

They see me smiling and assume that my life is perfect..They don't see the truth the imperfect life that I am dealing with on a daily basis. They see the smile but they don't see the fear in my eyes the tears that I cry nightly or the anger and hatred that I have burried so deep in my heart. They don't see the real me they see the things that they want to see, but hey the did notice a change but look how long it took them to notice even that...

The life that I'm living is not what I want for myself.. I want to be happy I want to be free. Free from my past, but it has such a strong grip on me I just don't know how to get free from the things that holds me back. I cry unto the Lord, but He's no where to be found..

I'm sinking and I'm sinking quickly....I look up hoping to see a hand reaching down for me, but there's not a one.. People tell me to go to church and I go to church but it's like I'm just another person in the crowd..So I continusly search searching for that peace that freedom, that joy searching for love that I don't have to doubt if it's true or not...Where am I supposed to go to find my peace to find the love that I've been looking for the majority of my life???

It's funny how as we grow in life we try to forget about all of the hurtful things of the past. You build a wall up around all of the painful things that you wish you could just forget and act like they never happened to you, but you can't; you can't because everyday of your life your living in fear.

Fear that it might happen again, that someone might find out and start to judge you and Lord forbid feel sympathy for you. I guess I've known for awhile that I wasn't past my past. That it still had huge shackles on me that paralyzed me, but I have never wanted to truly deal with. I mean I tried counseling for about two three months but even then I really wasn't ready to open up and talk about things..I wasn't ready to deal with the skeletons that I held in my closet.

But here I am again. Lashing out in anger on the ones who just want to help me..The ones that love me.. My skeletons are pushing there ways out of my closet against my will.

My bosses are calling me in the office every other day asking me what is going on with me??? They have noticed a change and the change hasn't been for the better... What am I to tell them?? The truth??? As much as I would love to open up to them I can't.. It puts them in a bad position and me in an even worsier position...But what am I to do? The life that I'm living is not what I want for myself.. I want to be happy I want to be free. Free from my past, but it has such a strong grip on me I just don't know how to get free from the things that holds me back. I cry unto the Lord, but He's no where to be found..

I'm sinking and I'm sinking quickly....I look up hoping to see a hand reaching down for me, but there's not a one.. I go to church but it's like I'm just another person in the crowd...Where am I supposed to go to find my peace to find the love that I've been looking for the majority of my life

Reflection

As I look in the mirror I don't reconize the person staring back at me. Tears in my eyes cause the man that's supposed to love me. Showed me his love by giving me yet another black eye and a busted lip. They say love hurts; but why must it hurt this bad? As he walks up behind me my body tenses up. Not knowing what to expect another beating or a warm apoligy from the heart?