I wonder

I sit here and wonder, just how long my soul will continue to be in bondage? I sit here wondering, just how long God will allow the devil to steal from me? To rob me of my joy, my peace, and even my frame of mind.
I wonder what is it different that I can do?
to get these things back that I so desire.
I sit here and wonder why me?
As I look back over my past,
I look back over all the pain and heartache that I caused to others and that others caused to me,
and I just wonder.. What was it all for?
Many people say that nothing we go through in life is a mistake.
Well if that's true. I wonder what is the purpose for all the things that I've been through, and am currently going through now in my life.
I guess only time will tell, but until then
I will continue to wonder.

A Change

You knew very little about me, but yet you thought you knew everything.
I tried time after time to tell you just how I felt
but you never took the time to listen
You cared not about the burdens that were on my heart
You cared not about the tears that I cried
But yet now were to this point
and you tell me to give you another chance
that your a changed person..
I've heard that time and time again
you say your gonna do better
it last for a day or so then
it's back to our same old routine
when I told you I was tired and ready for a change
You thought I was playing games,
but this time I wasn't. I really was ready for a change
Now it's time for that change and it doesn't involve you.
I hate to walk away from you now,
 but you walked away from me a long time ago..

A

Catching up on some post..

There has been alot of things going on from family wise, job wise, and just me as an individual. I began to feel consumed with defeat and just burdended. I have always held a lot of things on my back. I did not have to do it, but it was just me. I have always looked at what other people needed before I looked at what I needed. I went without so that others around me could be content, could be satisfyed.

 I gave myself when I did not want  to be given. Made many of sacrifce for many of people. But at the end who will do the same for me? Who will go without just so that I can have? Who will put my neededs before theirs? It is funny how when you go through certin things you do not understand them, but as you change the way you think, the way you respond you start to see things in a new light. You get a new perspective on different situations.. I guess I am to that point. Where I have been going through the same things time after time and getting the same results, but continusly stuck in that rut of the way I am use to doing things. Afraid of change, afraid of  what might happen.
 I realize that as long as I continue to fear I am giving the enemy exactly what he wants. I am giving him power over me.. And I refuse to continue to do that. I refuse to continusly be afraid to live my life over what might happen. I mean I have been held prisioner for years behind things that have happened in my past. Things that have happened to people around me. I start to think well what if it happens to me?? What if this or that happens... Man it has been killing me. I mean I am so tired of being afraid to step out there and do something new, or to do some of the simple things because I am afraid of what might happen... The thing I pray is that whatever happens that God keep me and cover me and my family.. To take that fear away from me and allow me to be able to live to breath. and to experience life.

A Blessing From God!

This past week God truly answered a prayer of mine. I've been praying and praying for a vehicle. I've looked on craiglist and found potential vehicles, but no one willing to accept payment arrangements. I finally decided to test God at His Word. I've always heard my mom tell me " Sharlette His Word says "You have not cause you ask not", and also " Claim those things that are not as if they were" and I started doing that..

I was with my older cousin one day visiting her husband at the hospital and we were talking about me getting a vehicle and he told me now was the time to buy and that I could get a new vehicle for the payments that I was wanting. I was listening to him, but I wasn't listening to him. I was thinking man I can't afford a new car. That it was the medication talking instead of him.Anyhow one day he told my cousin his wife to take me to look. I had just tossed the whole thing out of my head because I knew that I had tried and tried and couldn't find anyone who was willing to finance me because of me paying all the bills, etc...

Well one day while I was with my cousin she was like Sharlette I'm going to take you out to look for a car went several different places and they all told me I had no credit.. I kept getting discouraged until one day we went to this car dealer and he told me he could work with me. Things were starting to look up... I didn't hear anything from him. Then when I did he told me that I needed a co-signer.. Man who can I get to co-sign for me?? I talked to a relative of mine and he was all for it. Then another issue arrived.. It just seemed to be one thing after another... I would calller the dealer everyday except on Sat. and Sun. he would always tell me I'm working on it... Just sit tight... I was siting as tight as I possibly could..

I started to give up on the thought, but then decided to challenge God. To tell Him what his word said. I started to feel a little better about the situation. I finally just gave it to God and Boy did he make a way out of no way.

I told God that I wanted my car that week and I wanted to drive it home... On July 3rd I went to the car dealer and walked out a car owner.. then I couldn't drive it home because we couldn't get in touch with the insurance company I began talking to God again.. I went to my cousins house and made a phone call, got insurance on my car and went back up to the dealers and drove off in my car. No one can tell me that it was not God that made all of this possible. I required a down payment and they are giving me time to come up with it all. It was no one but GOD!!!
 I now know that PRAYER DOES CHANGE THINGS!!! I pray that I continually grow in God and in my relationship with Him...He has truly shown me that He can make a way out of no way. and move things to work in your favor....

  

The Young and Church

You ask what keeps people away from the church. I say it's a simple answer. It's called church folks. They so caught up in a religion that they forgot about the relationship. It's the hypocrites. Now don't get me wrong we all sin . but yet it's a huge difference between being a sinner and a down right hypocrite.
A hypocrite acts like they are the most holy of holy's they know no sin, which we all know is a lie.A sinner will admit hey I'm not perfect. What keeps a young person from church to many judges also.. You say that only God should and can judge well I guess there's more than one god out there...
People are too stuck in the same circle not really allowing people to truly open up and show who they really are. In order for a person to get and stay in church they need associates friends that's in the church. A person is going to be most influenced by the crowd they hand with and If they don't really know anybody in the church were do you thing they are going to be? On the streets with there friends.
Also, too much talk and not enough walk. Do what you say your gonna do mean what you say. You say that you will meet me where I am. It there a stipulations to that or what? If I am a dope boy or girl can you meet me on that level? If I'm a crack addict or a pill popper can you meet me there? If I am a prostitute can you meet me there? If I am suicidal can you meet me there.. Can you?? Don't be afraid of me, don't brush me off cause I do not wear the same clothes as you or the same shoes as you. Embrace me instead of running from me..
Your embracement, your kind word might be the thing that saves me. It might be the thing that will keep me from committing suicide might be the thing that brings me and keep me in the church. Some people come to church Sunday after Sunday searching for that someone who will reach out. That someone who won't be a hypocrite but will be true to there word. Are you that person that will help me get closer to God or that person that will push me too get further away from Him.

Something I need to tell you

There's something that my heart is desiring to tell you

it's ready to release this burden that's weighing on my mind

and on my heart.

But can you handle what I need to tell you?

will you walk away and never speak to me again

I know that it will greatly disappoint you,

Will you judge me if I tell you

Not knowing the answer to these questions

is killing me on the inside

I need to tell you

But I can't...

Will this be something that I will take to the grave with me?

will it be better that way rather than to cause you anymore pain

any more embarrassment....

What am I to do? How can I release this without

telling you...

Is there even a way to do that???