What is love

Is there a such thing as love?
I hear that word so many times from so many different people, but I'm curious as to what it really means to them...Everytime I think I have figured out exactly what love is or isn't someone comes into my life to show me that I truly don't know what it is... Well let me correct that saying... I know what love is, but do i know what it is for someone to truly love me... to a certin extent... I ask myself if I am worthy of love... Will true love ever come to me without me having to compermise myself? or my value??
What is love?

Sitting Still

The agony of sitting still. I hate sitting still not being able to keep moving. It seems like a punishment to me. Its when the devil is the most busiest n my life. Too much time to think and reflect on all the bad all the mistakes I've made it my life.
I've always been able to stay on da move stay on da go. Now to be forced to sit still yet again feels like a torchours punishment yet again. There's so much I could be doing but I can't stay focused long enough to do it. Too many thought bombarding my mind all at once. I feel like a computer that is in overload when I'm sitting still it eventually freezes up and you have to reboot it... I don't want to have to go through the rebooting process again its too tiresome and painful.

Do You know Your Worth

Do you know your worth, your value? How do you determine just how much I am worth? Is it my past mistakes, and flaws? Is it the potential that I might have, but am uncertin of? How do I measure my worth and value when others around me have told me I'm not worth the ground I walk on? How do I measure my value when I've always been told I'm worthless and will never amount to anything....Please tell me how...

   I'm afraid of trying cause I'm afraid of failing
I'm afraid of the future cause I don't know what lies in it
I'm afraid of love, cause I never felt worthy of it...
but most of all I'm afraid of me.....Because I don't know my worth nor my value

In Every Bad Situation

I've come to realize that in every bad situation no matter how hurtful it may be there can come a good lesson. Throughout my 22 years of living I've been in plenty of bad situations, some I placed myself into and others situations by no fault of my own.
December 17,2009 I placed myself in a bad situation and put others in a hurtful situation, but God used that bad situation and allowed a lot of good to come out of it. He allowed that situation to show me that there and still is people that genualy care about me that could and would love me no matter what mistakes I've made they would still have my back.
I have always had people say aye I got you, but in all reality when I needed them they no were to be found. I was expectin da same thing this time... But this time this time it was totally different the people who said dey had my back have had it, some people who knew nothing about me have jumped on board and been like we gonna get through dis together.
The thing I have come to realize is that God will give you what you need when you need it. Its some things I prayed for as a child that God had waited to now to answer and I come to realize that its a process we want things when we want them and how we want them, but in having to wait we learn to appreciate it more when we do get it. The father I got although not biological, the extended family, all the ones I have to talk to etc I appreciate it now cause I realize that everybody that has walked into my life these past few months have been an answer to a prayer that I prayed as a child growing up. To know what its like to have a father, to have two parents living in the same house hold, to know what true love is, to have positive people round my age to be accepted God answered those questions. So in every bad situation God will turn it around and allow something good to come out of it only if you let him...

My Breakthrough

                      I can't remember how long I've been praying for my breakthrough, my breakthrough from my past hurts and pains, from the thoughts of suicide, from being depressed and always afraid, from the hatred and anger I felt inside, from the feelings of worthlesness and etc. I guess when Big Nate preached on my greatest pain and I shared my greatest pain with being molested by my uncle. I guess I can say from that point I desired to be free.


                   From that day God started to take me through a process of healing, it started out with him (God) connecting me with two people that in terms would connect me with others that would help me along this healing process. It hasn't been an easy one. I guess you can say I'm not one that likes dealing with the things that hurts me the most nor do I like feeling emotions. Needless to say this journey has been one with my emotions have been on what I would say an emotional roller-coaster. One minute up, the next down and then nothing. I started this journey truthfully wanting a quick fix. I mean I did what God told me to do and that was share my greatest pain, and I had been open to going to see a victims counselor, and I had seen a spirtual counselor even got more intuned with church.

                     But I wasn't getting my breakthrough. I seen everyone else getting there's and I was still going through. I had gotten hooked up with a ministry that I could serve God, but still wasn't getting my breakthrough.. I didn't understand why.. As the time went along my emotions man it was like I couldn't control them anymore... Bishop would be preachin and I would be balling... I would have to hurry up and run out of the sanctuary because I didn't want anyone to see me crying... But best believe my armor bearer crew was waiting... They would just sit with me while I cry and tell me to let it go let it out... Then when I was done they showed love and told me to keep pushing.. One girl inparticular that I got close to well am close to had told me God had to tear some things down in order to rebuild at that point I really didn't understand. Everyone told me to keep comming to keep pushing and that's what I did.. Some Sunday's I would go to church and be like why am I here... But I kept going and in my going I got hooked up with different people. Armor Bears, stepped out in Fresh and taught a class, Prayer Warriors, Working with D.O.D. (Daughters of Destiny), Working with the girls from Job Core.. In the mist of my mess, in the mist of my struggle God was and is still using me...

               Okay, now Big Nate was and is doing a series about How to let go, and man that was so for me, for so long I've been holding on to the things that have happened to me as a child. I have never really known how to let it go, and in the 3 times we've been in class there's not a time where at some point in the lesson I wasn't crying.. Crying because he's teaching a lesson to the whole class but in truth and reality he's preaching directly to me and he don't even know it. The first Wed. Big Nate told us that on 12/9/09 we were going to have a breakthrough service and from the first day of our lesson you can say that I have been looking forward to 12/9/09 for my breakthrough...I prayed and thanked God daily for my breakthrough... Everyday after Sunday I text one of my homegirls with how many days left I had til I got it... I know people thought I was crazy, but I had to have my breakthrough.. Minster Spencer was all on me that night... He used the character Precious from the movie precious, he talked about all the things that she had to go through all at the age of 16 for me it was a younger age. He talked about how people (her) mom talked down on her.. He talked about how she had to be isolated from some people and how God placed her around others that encouraged her. Man I can s ay that is me... God isolated me from people back home and then he placed postive people around me that could and do speak life in me.. Encourage me, pray for me... He even talked about how some people are going through stuff because there father wasn't around it was because my dad couldn't handle me!

                  Things really began to make sense, he talked about how sometimes we have to distance ourselves from our family members... Man I couldn't believe it!! God had sent me the conformation that I needed.... One of my homegirls that I had talked to about my current situation and even she said that was my conformation.... Anyhow we had an alter call I went, and I felt relieved I felt different like a weight was lifted like all the chains that were on me started to break off... Service was let out and as usual I needed to be by myself.. I went to my normal spot but it was people in there so I left and remember a room that nobody really went into.. Had my lil spill and God I felt like I couldn't breath heading out side and seen one of my leaders who was walkin Minster Spencer out and he introduced us and I just broke down... I can honestly say I have never felt God that heavy on me at all.. That night I got my break through... When I went home I knew it cause I wasn't afraid to walk in my house.. I didn't have to look under my bed or in my closet... or anywhere else... On 12/9/09 God answered my prayers and gave me my breakthrough!!!

Who

A motherless child, naw dats not me.. I kno she care, but she don't take the time to listen
she don't take the time to listen and then talk
nor the time to offer an encouraging word
She don't take the time to see what I'm going through
Damn.... do she not care? She say she do
but I just don't know right now...
I'm going through so much right now
and she's not here
She's not here to listen, to understand
nor have she  ever been there to listen, to understand, to listen
I want her support.. I want her to ask me whats going on in my life
She gets up set because she say we don't listen to her
well have she ever took the time to realize that
in order for me to care about what she's talking about what she is saying
that she must also care about what i'm saying what I'm feeling...
Have she never heard me tell her and others in order to get respect you have to give it?
What am I to do?
When the one I should be able to run and talk to
I can't
What am I to do
when my battle ship has been hit, and water is pouring in on every side
in evey direction
What am I to do when I'm sinking and can't swim
Who's there?
 Who's there to throw a life jacket to me and save me
Who's there to reach a hand out for me to grab on to??
Who do I have?

She has my nose wide open

  I always heard my very first boyfriend mom tell him. " She has your nose wide open", and I never knew what she ment by that. As I've gotten older and gotten in various relationships I have come to know and understand what she ment. When someone opens your nose wide open then it simply means that they are exposing you to things that you have never been exposed to. Your simply trying to inhale it all in.
   I guess you can say that about me. These past few months my nose have been wide open to a lot of things. In which many are good matter of fact great and yet a few not so great. I'mma hit on both the great and the ungreat. Relationship wise boy, It's been an on going thing. Yes truthfully she has opened my nose up to a lot of things, and I truly enjoy being around her; but in all honesty I know that she's not what I need right now. She don't understand what I mean when I say I am trying to get my life together. She showed that factor when I first told her. Well she wouldn't talk to me for almost two months. Then the other day she was on my mind so heavy so I sent her a text and told her she didn't have to respond just was checking on her well she responded. It turned out that I had been on her mind also. Well the next day it was can we chill... Dang here we go back to the same old things. But this time it's different because I am in a different role in life than I was before.
  See this time I'm in the fore front if you would say. I'm out telling my story, I'm out trying to encourage young girls to keep there head up and I'm wanting to be a mentor to others that have been or are going through the things that I have experienced in life and am currently experiencing. I'm not put out in a position in church to were I'm serving, and in doing all of these things I'm trying to do better and live better! Trust it won't be a overnight thing I know for a fact, but I'm trying my best not to do something that could damage the positive in my life. God knows it's hard...
  Okay, now there's also a "he" in my life. The one that knows how to make me smile, that knows how to give me a good time... But will "he" know and respect my boundaries?  Will "he" know and respect the change that I am desiring in my life? Is that too much to ask of any one person?
  All these things plus a few more have my nose wide open, but is it the best thing? Yes and No